My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
