I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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