Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
