Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
