I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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