R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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