I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
