worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Good cause the way I see it, we are down to DAYS left of college so we should have as much naked fun as possible. And Jenga really facilitates that.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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