Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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