Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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