dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
