I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
