so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My ass is underappreciated
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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