I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
