my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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