I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
