Even the bartender felt bad for me
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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