Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
