It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
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I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
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Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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