I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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