I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
