I wish my penis had an off switch
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
