dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
