It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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