well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
