hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
