i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
