If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
