Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
