Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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