i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
