I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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