I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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