she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
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At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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