I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
