Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
