I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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