2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
