I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
