She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
