cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Randomize
