the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
why is half of my head shaved?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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