I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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