My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
