Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
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i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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