You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
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