she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
