my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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