I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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