i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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