the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
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So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
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I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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