People in love make me want to vomit
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
