I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
