Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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