I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
