I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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