She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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