Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize