you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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