Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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