Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
