my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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