The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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